Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
there is puke in my bra ... again
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
