I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
