can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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