Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
