everyone is single if you try hard enough
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
