She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
