I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
