Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
