Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
