oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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