I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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