Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
