You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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