I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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