Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
