I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
