i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Non-Jews are for practice
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Randomize
