How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
