alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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