No awkward lesbian experiences without me
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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