i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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