watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
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