I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
