This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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