Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
