sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
