Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
