need another drink. this is the easiest way
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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