I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
