Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
