all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
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