What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
