Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
