Who wears a wallet chain?!
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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