oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
