my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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