i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
