In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
