Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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