remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
