You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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