I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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