Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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