he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
