May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
