got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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