In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
