I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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