IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
