I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
